by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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