She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
