I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
