I just gift wrapped bread.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
