Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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