Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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