she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
