Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
