I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
sarcasm needs its own font
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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