I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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