I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
