i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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