You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
