When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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