Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
