A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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