you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
