remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your cock deserves a montage
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
