Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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