I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
should my penis look like a turkey
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
