Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
