You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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