i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
