So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
