Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
