my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
well you can't waste a boner
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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