Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
