The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
