seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
