Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
