can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
