I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
