he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
