I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am spending my child support on dildos
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
