u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
