you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Shame - the story of my life.
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