My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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