I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
