no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When are your genitals available?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
