I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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