Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
