Umm I'm too high to move.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
