So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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