Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
