I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
