I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
