The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
