Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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