the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
