That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
