i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
